THE GOOD ENOUGH MOTHER PODCAST

What is the Essence of 'Good Enough'?

Bridging Child and Adult Psychology

MOTHERHOOD, INFANT PSYCHOLOGY, MATRESCENCE, MATERNAL THEORY, PSYCHOLOGY, GOOD ENOUGH MOTHER, GOOD ENOUGH PARENT, ATTACHMENT THEORY, RUPTURE AND REPAIR

with Clinical Psychologist, author and speaker Dr Tanya Cotler

In this episode, we dive into the concept of the "good enough mother" from the perspective of Dr Tanya Cotler, who is a Clinical Psychologist, author, and speaker specializing in reproductive mental health, infant mental health, and parent-child attachment. Tanya has studied the work of Winnicott (who is the creator of the concept of ‘the good enough mother’) extensively and offers a unique lens and insight having expertise in BOTH child and adult psychology. 

We dive into unpacking what ‘good enough’ actually means, the process of attunement mismatches and rupture-repair cycles in a child’s development, and how intentional and unconscious repair contribute to building trust, resilience, and frustration tolerance in children. We centre the mother in our conversation to shift a child-focused lens, and I ask Tanya about her experience in what it’s like to work with both adults and children in the context of reflecting on these theories. 

Tanya shares insights from her nearly 20 years of clinical and research experience, and she offers us a key takeaway we can put into practice as good enough mothers, for the benefit of both our children, and ourselves. 


  • "And maybe the problematic part - let's start with that - with ‘the good enough mother’, is that sometimes it seems a little bit like the term is overly simplified, like ‘imperfection is okay’, is kind of a simplification version of it. And the other cost to it is that people hear it and it's dismissed a little. It sounds like JUST a good enough mother, like a settling..."

    — Dr Tanya Cotler in conversation with Sophie Brock, Ep #100 The Good Enough Mother

  • "... And so, when Winnicott developed the concept, one of the most important aspects of the theory is actually the essential need of failures - that was a term he actually used - the essential needs of these failures..."

    — Dr Tanya Cotler in conversation with Sophie Brock, Ep #100 The Good Enough Mother

  • "...And the way he explained it was that initially, the first part of the theory was that actually, when a baby is born, the baby does not experience itself as a separate person. So the baby actually experiences themselves as totally merged, the mother is part of them. And it's actually in these failures that the baby comes to see the mother as separate.”

    — Dr Tanya Cotler in conversation with Sophie Brock, Ep #100 The Good Enough Mother

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dr tanya

Dr. Tanya Cotler is the co-founder of RENNI, the first trauma-oriented integrative clinic for wellbeing in Toronto, Canada. As an author and speaker, she shares her expertise in reproductive mental health, parent-child attachment, and mindful parenting. Dr. Cotler's work emphasizes the messy nature of relationships and the significance of repairing mismatches for building safety and trust.

To learn more about Dr. Tanya Cotler and her work, you can visit her website at tanyacotlerphd.com. She also writes a regular column for Psychology Today called Motherhood Made Real. You can follow Dr. Cotler on Instagram @drcotler for further insights and updates.

cotler

There is this rupture repair in cycles, and it's the repetition of it that allows for the child over time to build trust.

The key part to rupture repair is a reflective aspect of coming to know, but it may not be known in the moment.”

“[one part of] what a good enough mother really is, is this idea of reflection, or capacity for reflection - a space of thinking about their mind, and their child's mind. Having a mind in mind: their child’s intentions, their child's feeling, their child's body states, AND their own...”

— Dr Tanya Cotler in conversation with Sophie Brock, Ep #100 The Good Enough Mother

...if we apply that same theory to the good enough mother, not for the child's best interest, but for the mother's best interest:

then the mother too deserves to have a full range of emotion from fatigue, to anger, to frustration, to sadness, to grief… to anxiety...

...And she - you - may sometimes NOT be able to tune in, and that's okay…it's not about constancy. Actually, good enough mothering is really about consistency over time.

— Dr Tanya Cotler in conversation with Sophie Brock, Ep #100 The Good Enough Mother

connect with dr tanya

Instagram: @drcotler

Facebook: Tanya Cotler

Website: Dr Tanya Cotler